I’ve been spending an overwhelming amount of time on Pinterest lately – browsing, pinning, liking, linking, etc. My boards are swiftly filling. You know what I pin most? Wedding stuff. Food. Web Design. And what you may not realize (though, you likely do) is that the pins presented to you are based not only upon your manually chosen interests, but your recent pins. So the more wedding stuff I pin, the more appears in my feed – wonderful circle.
But the issue for me, here, is that this kind of circular pinning leads to some inaccurate assumptions in my actual life; cousins, friends, coworkers are beginning to think that I’m actually engaged. And while I thought it was funny at first, after having to tell more than a dozen people that, “no…I’m not engaged…not even close…but thanks for bringing it to my attention…” it’s now making me an anxious pinner; I’m constantly worried that pinning this wedding dress, this engagement ring, this invitation layout, etc. will entice yet another (at this point) intrusive phone call.
The point of all this yapping is that it got me thinking how interesting (and hilarious) the world would be if we were exactly what our Pinterests imply we are. We would all be wedding obsessed, exercise monkeys who survive solely on perfectly decorated cupcakes. So I thought it’d be fun to bring that world to life a little bit. To do so, I’ve stalked the shit out of our wonderful writers, found their Pinterests and judged them accordingly. Enjoy!
Elly is a web designer, who is really into dark designs. She also may or may not have an issue with coffee consumption. She never shuts up about her upcoming wedding and while you’re happy she’s happy, you wish she would just shhhhhh about it for one second; you also really want to tell her that she’s far too obsessed with fried food to be trying on wedding dresses. She only wears boots and baggy sweaters and is considering getting a tattoo of dandelion/feather/bird.
Kelly is a print designer and loves design – specifically typography and pretty much never stops talking about it. She subscribes to magazines you’ve never heard of and insists on describing their font choices in detail even though you’ve told her a million times that you couldn’t care less if you tried. Based on her wardrobe, you get the feeling she thinks she’s living in a 1940’s style magazine. And while you love that she has the world’s largest collection of everything wedding, you are beginning to get concerned with her could-soon-be-problematic obsession. That said, you’re looking forward to her likely polka dot themed nuptials.
Kylin is an interior decorator and probably thinks your house is a disaster (why are you trying so hard?), though she would never tell you; she’s nice and won’t hurt your feelings if unnecessary. She’s always wearing knitted everything and carrying a Polaroid camera (she dreams of a simpler time) in a bag you’re not cool enough to understand. She generally reminds you of an Olson twin without the eating disorder.
Stephanie fucking loves clothes and is already judging you for the garbage you call a wardrobe, though she’s too nice to actually say that to your face. She throws the best parties because their themes are based on exotic locations – desserts, drinks and decor are perfectly coordinated. You will leave with a hand-made party favor, which will remind you of your inadequacies.
Kamaria is a very mysterious person who enjoys nothing more than eating a fine dessert while watching rain fall outside her window. You are super jealous of her wardrobe, specifically her jewelery, as it looks as if she got it all from an antique shop. You love going to her beautifully decorated house, but you’re afraid to actually use any of her furniture (the oil on your fingers will undoubtedly devalue the wood), so you usually just stand to admire the rain with her.
Orlie lives for a good snack – not a meal (you’ve been politely corrected a billion times now) – a snack. She is always talking about her latest creation – these amazing little hideaways she designs and furnishes with vintage pieces. And you pretty much always feel out of the loop because she’s listening to shit you’ve not even mildly heard of.
Lidija is your model friend who you hate taking pictures with because you always look like an idiot next to her while she strikes a dramatic pose. She lives in a literal palace and drinks from china that costs more than your house; in fact most things she owns cost more than your house. You’re currently trying to secure her sun room for your wedding reception area (it has an actual waterfall in it).
Mashall loves to cook and you love to eat the food she makes; it’s always so uniquely delicious! You love her wardrobe and are over at her house so often to enjoy her food that you’ve got it memorized with the intention of exact duplication for your abode. You do find, however, that during dinner, you have to constantly defend your current location because Marshall will not shut up about how much better Philly is than wherever you happen to be at that moment in time.
Emily lives in the most impeccably decorated house you’ve ever seen – inside and out. Everything is perfect – it looks like a vintage and quirky Martha Stewart catalog in there. She dreams of traveling the world and going literally everywhere, taking as many pictures as possible to hang all over her house. While she’s away, you consider borrowing her clothes, because they’re too cute to sit in a closet.
Adrienne, Meghan, Michelle, Molly:
These lovely ladies don’t have Pinterests (or at least none that were found), so while this spares them from my brash judgement, it means they do not exist in this universe. We are all amiss.
And just for funzies, let’s pretend Beginners is a Pinterest obsessed girl too (because that’s just “pretend”).
Beginners is a pastel kind of girl. She’s into vintage fashion and general design. She reminds you of an instagram filter most of the time. She also kind of reminds you of Rachel Zoe, but, again, without the eating disorder; her house is impeccably styled (though you will forever be confused by the sequined wall) and she’s kind of got her hand in everything.
So there you have it. What you all would look like in my eyes were we to live in a world where you were what you pinned.